fresh US bank accounts needed

[LamerOnLine]

As the title says, looking to either buy fresh US bank accounts or preferably a guide to opening them remotely myself ( i'm not based in the US)
Not interest in shitty banks like ally or suntrust, needs to be brick n mortar type banks that work with processors, can handle transfers in and out etc.
Ideally no bank card .. or would require method on how to have card pin etc redirected abroad uk or asia